By Jasmine Hawkins
This blog was so hard to write. I went back and forth on if I should tell my story because I am a private person but that's why we started Becoming Her Magazine, to share our story and amplify our voices, so here I go...
Growing up as a 90s baby, magic was everywhere. It was on all the shows, Disney, Charmed (my favorite show), Mary-Kate and Ashley movies (Double, Double Trouble in trouble), Harry Potter, and the list goes on. I grew up with magic so I wanted to learn, I needed to learn how to do magic but I never did because I was raised in the church and well I was scared. I don't know when the switch went off but 2020 was the year for me! Clubhouse hit the scene and I was glued to my phone and the app. I wanted to learn about it. I love everything about technology and well this was new so hey why not! Biggest mistake of my life.
Covid hit hard and we all were on lockdown with my four kiddos home 24/7 I needed an outlet from going crazy lol. Y'all know the feeling 😂
I went into all the groups but this one group called out to me. It was a spirituality group and it looked cool. I never had a reading before but I normally just sit and watch for a while to feel out of the room. So I did that for some weeks. Valentine's Day came and my husband got a call from his sister that his grandfather was really sick and might not make it and that he needed to come see him but I wasn't allowed to come because he lived at my sister-in-law's house. That hurt me so bad so we ended up not going. Then my husband's grandfather passed away a few months later and that hit home for me. As I stated, I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to him before he passed away and that broke my heart because outside of my husband's grandmother, his grandfather was the only one who accepted me like family and made me feel like I was a part of the family.
So, after going to his funeral I was numb. In my life, I didn't have to deal with death so this was a first for me. One that was close to my heart and I felt like I was losing myself. But hey Clubhouse was there.
I had to get a reading now. But I stayed quiet just in the crowd listening and trying to find the nerve. Then one day the Head Mod (speaker) said, "I feel someone in the audience needs a reading. They're searching for something" (paraphrasing because it was so long ago but it was something along those lines). So, I sent a message to her on Instagram saying, hey I would love a reading but no response. This went on for 3 days and then on that third day, I was pulled into a private room.
The excitement that came across my heart because she had something to tell me, something that I needed or so I thought.
When we went into the room, I knew not to say anything or add anything because then she'll just run with that. It wouldn't be authentic so I let her run the show to see if she would lie. She didn't! She started talking about me being in a dark place and how I had a recent death in the family (WHAT!) and how was watching over us, etc etc. I was shocked because I didn't post anything about my husband's grandfather or anything so how did she know? Now she had my attention!
I stayed glued to the room, I was there every day, all day. I was now a Mod, gained friends in the group and we even had a text group outside of Clubhouse. That's when it got scary!
During our Group FaceTime's she would require us to have our cameras on. She needed to see us. That was the first red flag. The second red flag was her asking for money for a new class but she never gave the class. She was now stealing from us as a group. That's when I started to pull away and trying to get the group to understand what was going on. I'm a leader not a follower and once I get a gut feeling I'm out. But I stayed but I was quiet again at this point. I needed to save my friends.
Days and weeks went by and I was always feeling tired. I barely ate and all I wanted was to be on clubhouse. I started venturing outside of the lady's (we'll call her Rudy) group and into this guys (we'll call him Paul) group. I really was just seeing where my friends were going because we started slowly leaving Rudy's group. I started getting readings every day, I started to buy books to study about magic, I started doing my own spells, crystals and had my altar built. I was on a downward spiral but I loved it if I'm being honest. Can I be honest with y'all? Okay cool lol 'cause I would be lying if I said I didn't.
In all my readings I was told I was powerful. I needed to feed my altar more, I needed to practice my spell work, do more shadow work. At this point, y'all I didn't realize I hadn't looked at myself in a mirror in weeks. I'm not sure how I did that, could have been that I barely focused on much
(In between all of this I was taking care of my family but this story isn't about that, this is about my journey through spirituality so please stay focused)
I can't remember why I was in the car, this could have been around the time when the lockdown was lifted but I finally looked at myself in my car mirror and y'all I damn near scared myself. I looked like a skeleton! A grey, skinny-in-the-face skeleton. I looked sickly. Everything in my body started screaming! Your energy is being sucked, someone is draining you! Rudy was draining me. That's why she needed to see our faces during the calls and why she needed our names and numbers. I started to have so many nightmares and hearing my name being called at night. I went and told my friends that I was not going back to the room anymore and why and they also agreed that they felt the same thing. So, we started secretly getting people we knew out of the group. Messaging them on the side to save them from her. We saved as many as we could that wanted to come and we never went back. After a while, we started to fall off as a group of friends. People became catty and I started to slowly part ways with them. I was left with only 2 friends at the end. So, I followed them to Paul's room more frequently.
However, nothing could prepared me for the reading I got in Paul's room.
I turned off all the lights in my office. Turned the heater up so I wouldn't get cold and I laid on my couch. I was ready! I closed my eyes and the guest speaker started reading me. She spoke about how powerful I was, how protected I was and then she didn't want to leave my aura. Paul had to tell her that was enough but I wasn't done. I wanted to learn more about me.
And now that I'm free from that journey, I understand what I was searching for was myself. I wanted to learn who I was and I didn't understand that all I had to do was sit with myself and God but we'll get to that in a few.
I had to learn more. I messaged her on Instagram asking her if we could have a private session but a red flag hit me, Jasmine she's a energy vampire that's why she didn't want to leave, she wanted your energy but I didn't care. I wanted to learn more. I needed to learn more. How else would I learn about me, right?
She never responded and that made me so sad. I was getting tired of the disappointments so I slowly started venturing off to business groups and less spiritual groups. I kept talking with my 2 friends and getting readings from them or from the 3 main people I would normally get readings from. I still was feeding my altar, I even had my kids helping me feed them but it started to get harder and harder to keep up with the Joneses. I would practice my magic and use my pendulum and read my books but I was ready for more. I came across this beautiful image of an Orisha and well she was a deity over the waters. Kind of like a mermaid and well if you didn't know I was obsessed with mermaids. I even believed I was one. So of course I would be drawn to her.
I'm like a sponge when it comes to things I'm interested in. I have to master whatever it is and this was no different.
It's 2021 and now, I'm learning about Orishas, all of them. How do they correlate into my life, how do they work, what do they like, etc. I purchased the books, found someone who was into them same journey and could give me readings and I was happy again. I involved my husband because I didn't want him to think I was doing anything outside my marriage because my reader was a man (named Sergeant). I love my husband so I wanted to protect my marriage throughout this journey.
I took a class with this lady named Luna and I was on a new journey of learning about Orisha's. I was nervous on this journey because even though I didn't have a relationship with God I knew that worshiping other gods was a big no-no. I had bought everything I needed to build my Orisha altar but never set it up. Lord knows I was so scared and honestly, it was for the best. God knew what he was doing.
I was getting my birth chart read by this lady named Sarah but now everything started to feel dark. The way she looked at me while reading my chart gave me a sinister feel. In every reading I got I was told I was powerful, I needed to keep practicing my magic, and if I kept practicing I could be a High Priestess. I just had to stop being lazy and do what I was told.
If only they would have left my family alone then maybe that have happened but they went to far!
I'm now a lone wolf. I cut all my spiritful friends off and I was on my own learning. I slowly stopped doing spellwork because my money started to dry up. I couldn't afford any supplies but every once in a while I would get a candle to light here and there on my altar. I couldn't afford my readings like that anymore and then my husband quit his job. I was so sad at this point. I didn't know what to do. I just knew everything would be okay.
Then I won a trip to Mexico that was happening on my birthday!
I thought this was a blessing in all honesty. A light at the end of the tunnel. An all-expense paid vacation for my birthday! Shit, why not! All I had to do was pay for my ticket. I asked my husband if I could go and he said yes! So I bought the tickets! Mind you I had already been to Mexico in May and the tickets were $200 per person at most. The tickets I bought were $600 for one person. That should have been a sign I should have stayed home but I needed this vacation. It was FREE! and it was on my birthday I never won anything.
So I bought the tickets knowing we couldn't afford it but hey all the bills were paid 😪 and I prepared for the trip. July came and it was time!
I went to my mom's house to get my hair down and it took forever for her to finish. It never took her that long to finish my hair but that night it did. I didn't get home until 2 or 3 in the morning. I had to drive home and I didn't feel good. It had to be my allergies so I popped an allergy pill cuddled under my hubby and went to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up hours later to get ready to catch my flight I felt like a truck had hit me.
But I marked it as allergies because it was going on this trip. I just needed more sleep. I only had a few hours of sleep. Got on my flight in Row 2 (stupidest thing I could have done) and I went to sleep. 2 hours later I woke up in Mexico and I felt even worse. I wanted to go home but I couldn't. I am in Mexico now.
It was so hot there and we had to wait for other people to show up. The lady (we'll call her H) wasn't there yet. So, me and 2 other members waited. I went there was barely any money which was crazy! I paid for a water and tried to relax in the heat which was making me feel worse. Something was definitely wrong. This wasn't a normal allergy but I'm okay. This is what I was telling myself.
H finally lands but she doesn't know where we are. So she spent another half hour looking for us. She finally finds us and now she's trying to figure out where our van is for us to go to our resort.
Honestly, everything that could go wrong was happening lol.
We get in the van and we head to the resort. I use this time to go to sleep. Maybe this will make me feel better. I just need more sleep. We do one stop and get some delicious Hibiscus tea and tacos and head over to the resort in Cancun. It was called Bella Sirena Resort (I'm not even making this up lol) and they don't have a room for us! H was talking with customer service for hours 2 hours to be exact while I was feeling like death warmed up.
I called my mom because I was at a breaking point. I was crying and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I felt so sick. I know my mom had to be praying for me. We finally got our rooms and we all were kinda spaced out. H was on a completely different floor. I was able to take a short nap. I got in the bed and I was almost into a deep sleep when I felt myself being pulled to the edge of the bed but my body never moved. It felt like I was crawling to the edge when I forced myself awake. I sat up in the bed so confused.
What the heck just happened to me.
That was the start to an interesting trip. After a full day of fun at the centoes, eating and drinking I finally got to get a good nights rest. By next day, I felt stuffy so now I'm thinking I have a sinus infection and I'm telling the ladies I'm fine that's all it is. We go out for brunch in the resort and I fill up my plate and sit down and we're chit chatting it up and I couldn't taste my bacon. Now, we all know bacon has a taste but I couldn't taste even the gease. So I try my mimosa, but nothing. I excuse myself from the table and go call my mom. I'm freaking out, crying , and not sure what to do. I do not want to get stuck in Mexico. My mom is like it's okay Jasmine, it's probably the sinus infection. Even I didn't believe that.
We headed on out to the next extrusion which was a spiritual steam hut. We all sit inside this clay hut in the performer closes us in the room with him and builds steam and plays the drums. We're supposed to stay in there for an hour to meditate and release and become one with our ancestors. It was so hot! H was screaming, me and the other 2 lady's were crying laying on the ground trying to find relief somewhere until we couldn't take it anymore. The drums and the steam became too much. H called it off.
I forgot to mention that H was a witch and this was a spiritual resort. I mention this now because it'll make sense in a few.
We finally get out and rinse ourselves off with cold water. That was the best part! H comes to me and tells me I saw something above you while we were in the steam room. I'm intrigued so I'm like what? She's says, I saw Jesus in a battle for you. Fighting off something and he was winning. I didn't understand what she meant but now that I'm free I understand. Jesus was fighting for my salvation for my soul.
To know that even though you turn your back on God he's still fighting for you means so much to me now and why I don't associate myself with spirituality anymore.
Now, I missed a part. Throughout my last moments of me being in spirituality (me being in Mexico is towards the end of my journey) my husband was always being brought up in my readings. We would say that there was someone he was talking too, some woman that he was attached to and was cheating on me with. That started to upset me because I knew where my husband was at all times. That was just the kind of relationship we had. We're best friends to say the least. I've been with my husband since I was 16, I know this man. So with these readings saying that I was confused. I was even more confused because I never brought my husband up in my readings. I always only asked about me. So why would my husband come up!
Okay back to Mexico, we go to our last dinner which was amazing. I couldn't taste anything but my body knew it was delicious so I went with it lol. We went to get tested because the next day we had to leave and our private readings were that night. We headed up to our rooms and H called us up one by one. I was last. When I went to get my reading, I was excited. I had been waiting and I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say. However, it was a pile of bull crap to say the least.
It was a direct attack on my marriage. "Spirit" told her that my husband was cheating on me and now I was really confused. I was up pacing back and forth asking all types of questions but the main one that stood out to me was "why did Spirit need to tell me my husband was cheating on me while I was on vacation." "Why now?" "Why not when I got home?" "Why ruin my last night in Mexico was already a semi-disaster?" No real answer. I couldn't do it anymore. I was pissed! I wanted to leave NOW! I needed to talk to my husband NOW! I didn't want to talk anymore. She even tried to pit me against my male reader, Sergeant. Something wasn't right. This isn't right.
My time was up and the other ladies came into the room so we could do our group moon manifestation.
I was no longer interested but I wasn't sure how to leave without causing a scene. Then the verdict was in! Our Covid test results came back. One by one H came in, negative, both ladies came in and they were negative but mine was taking forever, and then my phone died. I'm like okay this has to be a joke. I'm charging my phone and 10 mins later my results come in. I'm positive with Covid! My heart sinks. I'm like okay ladies I'm going back to my room. I'm not feeling good. H walks over to me and asks if I have covid and I'm like yes, almost in tears.
She tells me everything will be fine and she's help me with my room for a few days, LIES!
I'm so scared now! I call my husband and I'm fussing at him because of my reading and now I'm stuck in Mexico and can't get home. I didn't know want to do! One of the ladies comes to my room and gives me some zinc and oil of oregano and tells me that this will get me better in no time which it actually does it took 4/5 days for me to start getting my senses back. The next morning, everyone was leaving and I was alone. I had to move out of my room into a quarantine room on the first floor. For 2 days I had to fight with the staff to get food to my room. I had to get out of the resort.
I'm so grateful for my mother. She helped me out of a mess and without her I don't know where I would be. I was so scared that I wasn't going to make it staying in the resort. They gave us poor service. I had to leave. My mom got me a Airbnb in Tulum (2 hours away) and now we had to figure out how I was going to get there. She had just paid $700 on the place I was going we had no idea how I was going to get my husband to me. My in laws acted as if they didn't want to help which upset me so bad. I had to beg for their help. All his mother could give was $200. So, I took it and ran with it. I bought his ticket to Mexico and I told him we would figure out a way for him to get home when that time came. Got us a rental car which was so expensive $400 and he came to my rescue.
When he landed, he had to figure out where the car rental place was at the Cancun airport with no charger and no idea how to get to me. With some arguing and landmarks (the gps was not working properly) he finally found me and I paid for my stay at the resort and we left! Never get sick at a resort. They charge for everything!
I sat in the back seat because I didn't want him to get sick but I was so happy to see him. My husband coming to Mexico was the easiest steps. It was as if he was suppose to be there which I know to be true. The same man that every spiritual person I was connected too tried to push me away from. The man that has been there for me and saved me from countless things. My best friend. I know why now.
There is two things that I don't play about: My husband and My kids. Mess with those you lose me.
We had to stay in Mexico for an extra 7 days because I was still coming up positive but we rebuilt our bond from me allowing other voices to try to pull me away from him. Which I vowed to not let happen again. My experience taught me who I could rely on. My mom helped me make sure my kids was taken care of. My dad who had my kiddos caught covid and we had nowhere else for them to go. My mother in law didn't want them until we got them tested and even after they came back negative she still didn't want to take my kids, thank God for my mom because she was able to convince her to change her mind.
Mexico was a wake-up call for me but it wasn't the final straw that took me away from spirituality completely. It was my oldest daughter!
When we got back and a few days after the fact I asked her if she was ready to start learning about Magic. The way she looked at me sent shock waves through my body. It was the look like "I don't think we're supposed to do that but sure whatever you say" type look and I never want to do anything that will hurt my children. They are my everything. So I told her, "I'm not making you sweetie, if you don't want to then we don't have to." She was like no I'm not interested and I was okay that cool. But after she left, I sat in silence. That was the point I started talking to God. I asked God if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, please send me a sign. Show me the right way. And y'all! God showed out! TikTok videos started popping up, scriptures telling me how God dislikes magic and I went down God's path!
My daughter saved my life and God saved my Soul!
Galatians 5:19-21 says, “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. . . . Those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
When people in Ephesus came to know Christ, they brought their magic books and potions and publicly burned them as a sign that they were trading the dark power of sorcery for the holy power of the Spirit (Acts 19:19).
In Revelation 18:23, Jesus warns that He will destroy Babylon, in part because “all nations were deceived by your sorcery.” God certainly condemns sorcery, black magic, witchcraft, and anything associated with it, and He will severely punish those who persist in it.
All of 2021 and 2022, I was sick. I had so many different things that were going on with my heath... heart flutters, kidney stones, sameliona, COVID 2x, getting stuck in Mexico and then finally my first time ever getting the Flu. I was close to death twice but by the grace of God I am still here. Satan truly didn't want me to leave. I had to make a decision to get delivered from spirituality. I was filled with so many demons that were trying to take me out. When I made the decision to get delivered and I started opening up about what I was doing (witchcraft) and asking God to help me that's when I started seeing a major shift in my life. I also had to take my kids to get delivered because I unknowingly brought them into my world and signed with up to be attacked spiritually.
If my mother in law, sister in law and my oldest daughter weren't there when we had to do an exorcism on my oldest son I would have thought I was dreaming or tripping. That's when I knew I was on the right path of redemption.
I hope me sharing my story helps someone to understand that witchcraft/spiritual is not the way! I was brought into the spirituality world because of my lack of knowing myself, questioning who God was because I never could hear his voice or see his presence. However, spirituality did help me in one way, it opened my eyes to the wonders of God. I had it all wrong. I'm thinking oh my ancestors are bringing me a hawk to protect me or a dragonfly as a sign, No! The dead are not aware of anything.
Ecclesiastes 9:5-6 (ESV) For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even the memory of them is forgotten. Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished; never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun.
Everything beautiful in this world is because of God. Seek God! And Learn his Mysteries. That's what he wants from us. To build a relationship with him as you would do a friend or a mother/father. He'll accept you even in the worse. Satan almost had me y'all and he is upset and has tried to attack my children and even my husband but I'm covering my family in the blood of Jesus and they can not be touched.
And because of this I am God-Affirming and Becoming Her Magazine is God-Affirming. I will not have any assocation with spirituality because I know what it means to have an attachment. Learn from my journey so you don't have to go down the dark path I went through. I did however learn who I am through this path and I am so grateful. What hurt me the most is that at the end of all of this my sister in law tried to shame me about my journey but no one can shame me for my journey because I had to go through this to save others. This is my testimony. I am Becoming Her and Lord knows this is hard but through Him anything is possible.
By the grace of God, He saved me from Spirituality.
Acts 16:30-31 tells us: "30)'Sirs, what must I do to be saved?' 31)...So they said, 'Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.'"
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. I hope and pray you gained something from my journey and if you're on the spiritual path, you understand that there is no in-between with God. You're either with God or you're not. God never wanted us to learn magic and so by doing so, you're going against him and his word.
I am no longer a hurt and broken 15 year old girl looking to find herself. I never got a chance to fully learn who I was because I married at 18 and became a mother at 19, while still in college. But I am writing you all today to say, I am healing every part of me and by me sharing my story today, I have healed and forgiven myself and anyone who has hurt me from this point on. I don't regret anything that I had to go through because I learned something at the end and about myself. I am resilient and yes, I am powerful through God Almighty.
I'm learning to set boundaries and by me creating them its helping me to continue life with a healed heart and mind. I know who I am now and no one can make me believe anything outside of that!
Giving Thanks even to the people who hurt me:
Jesus said, "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28 NIV)
"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." (Luke 6:36 NIV)
I want to give thanks where it is due and so, I want to say thank you to my Mother in law for helping me through my deliverance. I'll never trust you, your daughter (who was also around during my journey to deliverance) or your other son with my secrets again but I do want to say thank you to you in particular because without you bringing me to Pastor D and going through the steps to get delivered I don't know where I would be. My love will always be there and I will continue to pray for y'all but from a distance.
Thank you to my mother for always being there when I needed you the most. Our relationship growing up was rough but I couldn't have asked for a better mother. To my children, thank you for always keeping level headed because of how much I love you. I thank God everyday for blessing me with 4 amazing children and I will continue to right by you. I might fail at times but I will always learn from that experience and do better to make sure that never happens again.
Lastly, to my husband thank you so much for being my rock, for grounding me and for being my best friend. I am so blessed to have you in my life. God outdid himself when he matched us together in high school. I am forever grateful.
I'm here to help, just ask. I went through this journey to be of service. This is my testimony.
If you have any questions about what spirituality is or where you are in your journey, I am here. Just reach out to me and I'll help anyway I can, to help you to understand. Also, check out this lady named Cerca Trova. She helped me on my journey back to God. YouTube: https://youtube.com/@cercatrova2235?si=p8-DJDwL-nfXdsWN
Jesus said in John 14:6 “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” You either believe He is the only way to God, and that He is your Savior, or you do not. There is no in between.